Total raised for Cotswold RDA:
£211
Our second light-hearted competition for the most popular form of spoken poem — LIMERICKS
Congratulations to all the outstanding poets
1st place Sim Smailes
2nd place Robin Gilbert
3rd Place
Stafford Cross, Lee Nash, Simon Tindale
Highly Commended
Dauda Zai, Doug Harris, Jane Spray, Moray McGowan
Longlisted
Bob Turvey, Derek Sellen, Edward Alport, John Atkinson, Nicola Thomas, Patricia Hamilton, Phil Sim, Tracy Davidson, Valerie Fish
Alphabetical list of poets
This lists all the leading poets who wished to have their successful competition poems published in the anthology. Each is linked to their poems and audio.
Bob Turvey
*, Dauda Zai*, Derek Sellen*, Doug Harris, Edward Alport*, Jane Spray* , John Atkinson*, Lee Nash*, Moray McGowan* , Nicola Thomas*, Patricia Hamilton*, Phil Sim, Robin Gilbert*, Sim Smailes*, Simon Tindale*, Stafford Cross*, Tracy Davidson*, Valerie Fish*
indicates one audio of a poem. * signifies that the poet’s biography follows their work.
Sim Smailes
On her way to see Led Zep in Devon
A lady we know left at seven,
She ran out of luck
When hit by a truck
Now she’s buying a stairway to heaven.
A Lib Dem placed two jars of pesto
Into a top hat and ‘hey presto!’
The audience cheered
As a booklet appeared
Outlining their new manifesto.
First Prize winner
A feather-clad fool looked absurd
As he flapped both his arms like a bird
From a hundred feet high
He attempted to fly
But gravity had the last word.
Sim Smailes is a primary school teacher, working in Essex. He has written poetry and short stories as a hobby for a number of years and has had success in writing competitions before. He loves writing in rhyme and limericks are a particular favourite. He lives with his partner in a house full of cats.
Bob Turvey
Read by Marilyn Timms
There was a young lady called Emma
Who said to her mum, Lady Gemma,
“Mr. Royds is my friend
And I love him no end.
But wed him? Ah; that’s my dilemma”.
A most beautiful horse known as Ace,
In the ring won a rosette for grace.
His wonderful canter
Then won a decanter;
But alas! The poor thing couldn’t race.
When two dog lovers met in a bower
They would talk about dogs by the hour.
The lady, called Jane,
Would stroke his Great Dane
And he would play with her Chihuahua.
Bob Turvey has studied the history and development of the limerick verse form for over forty years; his first two books on the subject are scheduled for publication in September 2024. He’s published children’s illustrated books, articles on limericks, etymology, travel and the science of papermaking – the area in which he spent his working life.
Robin Gilbert
Charles Darwin addressed William Wordsworth:
“Have a guess what this fossilized turd’s worth.
Even more – here’s a thing –
than the fossilized wing
of the very first dinosaur bird’s worth.”
A dancer named Kostas, a Greek,
Was proud of his manly physique.
With his teeth, he was able
To pick up a table –
And then couldn’t speak for a week.
A young lady from Duntisbourne Leer
Bathed her bum every morning in beer.
Local lads at the sight
Of this “bitter” all right
All cheered as they leered at her rear.
A hopeful called – not that one! – John Wain
tried to break into films, but in vain.
When he asked David Lean,
the response was obscene,
and Joseph Losey just laughed like a drain.
Thrice married and proud Dom Moraes
stepped up and then spoke from the dais:
“My friends, I have heard
that, when wooing a bird,
nowt’s better than Cadbury’s Milk Tray is.”
Fearing burglars, the poet Propertius
acquired a pit bull and two lurchers.
Much later, when one
bit the Emperor’s bum,
he rather regretted his purchase.
Tennis balls provoke Harry to ire.
His muse and his sword are on fire.
Harfleur’s walls fall first.
The French come off worst.
Then Kate fulfills Harry’s desire.
Second Prize winner
When in Ayrshire, Friedrich Schiller
asked Burns to appraise his chinchilla.
“Noo don’t get me wrang,
there’s sturm and there’s drang,
but this beastie’s a match for Godzilla.”
Robin Gilbert has published two poetry collections, My Own Dragon (2006) and DaDa & the Dark Lady (2012) and had modest success in competitions such as Buzzwords, Cannon Poets Sonnet or Not, and Lighten Up Online. From 2013 to 2019, he was co-Director of the Cheltenham Poetry Festival.
Derek Sellen
A stunning young lady from Stresa
met a poet who wanted to praise her;
he wrote an ode to each breast
and was extolling the rest
when she stunned him by using a taser.
Derek Sellen lives in Canterbury and has had a varied writing career. He has written grammar books, coursebooks and abridged versions of classics for overseas students, reviews, award-winning plays and short stories and poetry. He also enjoys reading and writing light verse. He has visited Stresa on Lago Maggiore, but never actually met the ‘stunning young lady’. Derek Sellen (drs17uk.wixsite.com)
Stafford Cross
A playwright, Benjamin Berky
Wrote a pantomime, ever so quirky
But the plot was so thin
There was nothing within
His Panto was a big Christmas Turkey.
In a gin joint, Casablancan, Sam Strong
The pianist, knew only one song
Sam played it again
And again and again
And the customers all sang along.
There once was an ardent young poet
Fell in love, with a maid, don’tcha know it
He wrote her a Sonnet
With Ribbons upon it
And now he’s got two twins to show for it.
The Limerick thrives on innuendo
To arrive at its final crescendo
But at my age I find
Life is cruel and unkind
In the end, it’s all diminuendo.
A parachutist, nicknamed the Blue Eagle
Broke his leg, doing something illegal
Now frail and infirm
He’s joined a Law Firm
Where they call him the New Paralegal.
Pippin, Merry, Sam and Frodo
On a journey, Epic, did go.
Long could I talk
Of Elves, Dwarves and Orc
But in only five lines? I don’t think so
Third Prize winner
I once had a most virile Cockerel
Most ardent in servicing his flockerel.
Their amorous sounds
Excited my hounds
And my poem descended to Doggerel.
Stafford Cross is a recreational poet and retired chemist who has dabbled in art (rejected by the Royal Academy Summer Show), campanology, folk song and dance (Ukrainian style Cossack dancing), (finalist in Sidmouth’s Traditional Singer), Poetry (Prize-winning limericks by the score) and story telling. Only recently published (Wildfire Words).
Edward Alport
When in search of a metrical line,
I turn to the fruit of the vine
I don’t get help gazin’
At sultana or raisin
But I find it with cognac and wine.
I’m finding it harder to sleep.
I’ve spent many hours counting sheep
I’m not taking dope
That’s a slippery slope
And the way up is terribly steep.
Edward Alport is a retired teacher and proud Essex Boy. He occupies his time as a poet, gardener and writer for children. He has had poetry, stories and articles published in a variety of webzines and magazines and BBC Radio. He sometimes posts snarky micropoems on Twitter as @cross_mouse.
Lee Nash
Read by Marilyn Timms
The journalist’s handle is Brian,
and his wife likes to call him a lion,
but forgetting his name
I keep calling him Brain–
for as memory goes he’s Achaean.
Third Prize winner
A student, while studying Plato,
had a sudden desire for potato–
she cooked up a spud,
told herself, ‘I’m no dud,
pretty soon I’ll be working for NATO!’
Lee Nash (she/her) writes poetry, fiction and creative nonfiction. Her work has been widely published and anthologised (Acorn, Ambit,
America Magazine, Magma, Orbis, Slice, Sou thword and The Best Small Fictions 2019) and has won or been placed or shortlisted in international competitions (Fish Publishing’s The Lockdown Prize, Bath Flash Fiction Award, the TU Dublin Short Story Competition and the Bridport Prize).
John Atkinson
An anatomy student from Belfast
dissected a corpse after breakfast.
He caused a palaver
when over the cadaver
he brought up his most recent repast.
There once was a madam named Barbara
who ran a bordello at Scarborough.
Her customers came
again and again
and not for a trip round the harbour.
John Atkinson has been writing poetry for about fifteen years, mainly nature poetry, and is fond of limericks and finds them fun to write. Last year John won second prize in the Autumn Voices Poetry Competition, and this year, his poem – Gaslight – was chosen by Paul Muldoon, for “On The Buses” in the Guernsey International Poetry Competition.
Simon Tindale
Read by Marilyn Timms
Highly Commended
We joined our two names with a hyphen
When we became husband and wifen.
You broke away
But I vowed to stay
With this God-awful hyphen for lifen.
Third Prize winner
A psychic called Eric Acorah
Was also a gifted goals scorer.
Could use either foot,
His arse or his nut
And once whacked one in with his aura
Simon Tindale was born in Sunderland, wrote songs in South London, and found poetry in West Yorkshire. He’s currently putting the finishing touches to his first collection.
Valerie Fish
I once had a pet anaconda
Of whom I was awfully fond a
Till alas, one sad day
He slithered away
Off out into the wild blue yonder.
Valerie Fish, now retired, has more time to devote to her lifelong passion of writing; Her forte is Flash Fiction and limericks, and is regularly published in the Daily Mail. She is a member of her local U3A Creative Writing group, who encouraged her to publish her own collection of limericks, A Sexagenerian from Smithy Fen available on Amazon.
Moray McGowan
The wisest, most helpful mammal
in the desert’s the much-maligned camel.
As each caravan starts,
he’ll warn: “Folks, don’t play darts
In the bath or you’ll crack the enamel.”
Highly Commended
An ‘umble peasant from Porlock
Stood cap in hand at the door. “Lock
It for you, sir?” he smarmed
and I was suitably charmed
by his unctuous tug of the forelock.
Moray McGowan, born into a Scottish-Irish family in London, grew up in Norwich, studied in Newcastle-upon-Tyne and Hamburg, wrapped chocolate, harvested fruit, dug trenches, delivered letters and baked boiler insulation before teaching English and German for forty years at universities in Germany, England, Scotland and Ireland. He now lives in Somerset (UK) and Berlin.
Phil Sim
Read by Marilyn Timms
Fred found he could never get ahead,
despite hitting each nail on the head.
Found the truth only hurt,
so, best avoid any dirt,
and write saucy limericks instead!!
Dauda Zai
Highly Commended
On a bough by a lough sat a bird in a slough
He had thought it through and had had enough
“I’ve been very thorough
but now need a furlough –
if I knew how to say my name I’d be choughed!”
Highly Commended
So you can lark with a lark quite intensively
you can badger a badger somewhat pensively
you can bat a bat
even rat on a rat
but swallow a swallow and you’re done, comprehensively!
Dauda Zai is a troubadour gardener living in the French Pyrenees. He spent 25 years teaching musical expression in primary schools in Devon, re-writing with the kids many of our traditional songs. Now he writes poems, mostly on death (it is coming) and plays the accordion to patient blackbirds and jays.
Nicola Thomas
There once was a dentist named Keith
Who really was useless with teeth
One day on a filling
While doing some drilling
Went through to the gum underneath
There was an old lady from Kent
Who was struggling to pay all her rent
Her landlord then said
No money no bed
You can get out and live in a tent
There once was a builder called Tony
Who wouldn’t stop talking baloney
He hadn’t a clue
If a nail was a screw
And everyone knew he was phoney
There once was a very old tyre
That ran over a piece of barbed wire
There was a loud pop
It came to a stop
And quickly began to expire
Nicola Thomas loves to write poems with a strong sense of rhythm. She has played the piano for many years and tries to bring a sense of musical beat to her poetry. She is often inspired by current events and also likes to write with a humorous touch. While still relatively new to poetry several of her poems have now been published.
Doug Harris
There is a sweet lady; Katrina
Who will laugh like a tickled hyena
When long-missed Miss Ellis
Declares; “What the hell is
This dross that insults my arena?!
Highly Commended
There once was a (person) from (place)
Who (add some mad stuff like a chase).
He (did something daft)
Then (develop the gaffe)
(Drop a punchline right into this space).
Highly Commended
,bereft talent’s artistic my Since
deft rather wheeze a of thought I’ve
— lack this disguising For
back-to-front present I’ll
!left heading ,right the on out Starting
Patricia Hamilton
Read by Marilyn Timms
My expensive new wheelchair is fast.
I can use it on pavements or grass.
But steps are its nemesis,
I can’t leave the premises.
Let’s all throw our hands up, aghast.
There was a young lady from Poole,
who unfortunately tended to drool.
She taped up her lips,
but couldn’t eat chips,
so she lost weight as well, which was cool.
My strawberry cake is divine.
You could say the taste is sublime.
It’s fluffy and light,
I could eat it all night.
So I will, there’s plenty of time.
Patricia Hamilton. From juvenile poems, to song lyrics and play scripts for her published musicals, Patricia has always had a lively relationship with words. She has been shortlisted for the Bridport, and other poetry competitions, but prose poetry using only 150 words is, for her, an entirely new departure.
Jane Spray
A cultural warrior from Blighty
Came to, dressed in a nightie
He mused, dearie me
Is this woke, or pc?
And how do I tell what’s most likely?
Highly Commended
An unwitting person from Porlock
Made an unfortunate door knock
On a bleary old poet –
Stoned, don’t you know it –
And it’s hard to know who got the more shock.
Jane Spray’s poems, several prize-winning, have appeared in Poetry News, Mslexia, Acropolis Journal, Fourteen Magazine, Madrigal, Wildfire Words, Blithe Spirit, Allegro, The Haibun Journal and New Chan Forum as well as in many anthologies and other publications. She is Poet in Residence at Clearwell Caves, in the Forest of Dean.
Tracy Davidson
Marilyn reads
Molly Mouse stuck some leaves to her limbs,
Dreams of flight being one of her whims,
But all of her flapping
Was energy sapping,
So an inch off the ground’s all she skims.
There’s nothing like the crumbling of Flake,
To get my tastebuds tingling awake,
But they cannot disguise
The bar’s much smaller size,
Now I have to eat two on my break!
There was an old judge based in Jarrow,
Whose judgements were judged rather narrow,
He kicked up quite a stench
Being sacked from the bench,
For picking the second-best marrow.
There once was a white duck called Daisy,
Who other ducks thought a bit crazy,
For instead of a swim
She’d head off to the gym
In search of a lookalike Swayze.
Tracy Davidson lives in Warwickshire, England, and enjoys writing poetry and flash fiction. Her work has appeared in various publications and anthologies including: Atlas Poetica, Mslexia, Modern Haiku, Simply Haiku, A Hundred Gourds, Roundyhouse, The Right-Eyed Deer and Notes from the Gean.
Competition details
Prizes are £50 for first, £25 for second, and 3 of £10 each for third.
We held this second competition in celebration of the life of a dear friend, Katrina Ellis, who never lost her sense of humour even during the last months of her short life. Katrina was particularly fond of limericks. Her mother, Annie Ellis, Lead Sponsor of Wildfire Words, is proud to donate the prizes in memory of Katrina. Annie judged the competition in collaboration with Marilyn Timms, who focused on originality research and selection of prizewinning poems.
All entry fees were donated to the Cotswold Riding for the Disabled Association, a registered charity in England & Wales 1160676
Winners Showcase event
All prizewinners, shortlist, and longlist poets, along with audio of their work, were included in this online anthology.
Will you be original?
As always, we’re looking for originality in limericks that are deft, daft, cheeky, powerful, and that make us laugh out loud, think, cry, or groan. Hilarious, pseudo-science, raunchy, or tongue-twisters. In short, five lines of fun that demand to be shared with wildfire words readers.
One safe way to be original is to choose a word to end the first line that you can’t find used in a limerick before, then create two rhymes for it. After that the writing is relatively easy.
Will you enter audio?
Limericks, possibly more than any other type of poetry, are mainly shared as speech rather than text on the page. At wildfire words we love audio. If you want to submit with an audio, we’ll happily listen as well as read. You have the option of submitting audio with your text by uploading it into the browse files box. How good a limerick sounds is important in judging, so entries including audio have an advantage towards a prize.
All entries presented to the judges are anonymous. Only the actual poems go to the judges. Details of author and payment details are stored separately. Only after judging is complete are winning poems matched to their author.
Rules for Limerick competition
Opening date: 1 May | Closing date: 4 June 2024
Entries must be paid for on the entry form, and your entry file uploaded, by the closing time of 11.59 pm on 4 June 2024. Payment channels are credit and debit cards or your PayPal account. In case of difficulty, please use the contact form below.
The contest is open to all poets, except volunteers for Wildfire Words.
All poems must be entirely the entrant’s own, unpublished work.
International entrants are welcome, but entries must be in English. Translations are not allowed, unless the poet has translated their own poetry into English.
You may submit as many limericks as you like, in batches of up to 4 limericks. Each poem must have a title which is the last word of the limerick’s first line. An entry fee must be paid for each limerick..
Each limerick can be uploaded into the ‘browse files’ on the entry form as a Word file which is named with the limerick’s title. Also, if you do not have Word, you can copy and paste all of your limericks into the entry box at the bottom of the form.
Do not put any identification on the work. We will match your limerick’s title to your email address after the anonymous judging is complete.
Simultaneous submissions are accepted, but an entry must be withdrawn in the event of it winning a prize or publication elsewhere. Entry fees are not refundable once an entry has been received.
Work will not be returned, so please keep a copy.
We are unable to give feedback on individual entries or on the results of the competition — the judges’ decisions are final.
Results will be emailed in July to all who entered, and published on this website and social media.
The entry fee is £2 per limerick, or £6 for 4. Entry fees are not refundable once an entry has been received.