KEP 2026

Winners Anthology 2026

Our fourth annual LIMERICK competition for charity
celebrating the life of a dear friend, Katrina Ellis

First Prize Winner Madeleine Patston
Second Prize Winner Robin Gilbert
Third Prize Winner Stafford Cross
Third Prize Winner Anthony Powers
Third Prize Winner Elizabeth Hofmann

Click here for the competition prompt & rules

Poets published in this feature

Aileen Lees, Anisa Begum, Ann MacAskill, Anne Eyries, Anthony Powers, Collette Hamilton, Dan Papworth, Doug Harris, Elizabeth Hofmann, George Colkitto, Jack Edwards, Jeff Skinner, Jill McCarthy, Josephine Pepper, Jules Finn, Julie Shackman, Julie Worthington, Madeleine Patston, Mark Totterdell, Martin Pryce, Matthew Sumner, Michael Swan, Moray McGowan, Nicky Goodwin, Nigel Speight, Nigel Whitmore, Pat Sanson, Pete Concahsmith, Robin Gilbert, Stafford Cross, Sue Barnard, Sue Gerrard, Susan Oldham, Tracy Davidson, Trudie Wingfield, Valerie Fish

Each name is linked to a writer speaking the text

Aileen Lees

A reporter said fire was lukewarm
then passed his mic to Reform
he wanted both sides
so repeated their lies
feigned surprise when hate was the norm

Anisa Begum

There once was a cat who was munchie
he ate food that was very crunchy
he jumped in the air
and gave us a scare
he curled up and felt very hunchy

Ann MacAskill

Old people are a proper curse
When they take to writing verse
With all their ills
They just should swallow their pills
Or the curse of their verse will be worse

Anne Eyries

A matador got his comeuppance
When an angry bull tossed him for tuppence,
As the horn gored his belly
He cried, ‘I’m all jelly,
On a plate I’d be hardly worth thruppence.’

A vampire in training confessed,
‘I’m fed up working nights biting necks,
I want to have fun,
Give me sea, sex and sun –
Casanova is what I’ll try next.’

There was a young man with a grin
That took up the whole of his chin,
When asked why he smiled,
He said, ‘Since a child
I’ve had too many teeth to fit in.

Collette Hamilton

voiced by Marilyn Timms

News arrived of a girl with a beret
Seduced by a bright man from Kerry:
His lips were smudged red,
They spilled blood on the bed,
And they married right there on the ferry.

A black plastic bag blew from Trim,
And snagged on a priest’s double chin.
His parishioners ate
All the pies at his fête,
Stuffing crusts and their sins in his bin.

Matilda from Cork liked tall men
with abs scoring ten out of ten
But tall ones ran short,
Her longing grew fraught—
So she settled on chip fryer Ken.

Declan bowed to widespread applause,
When his trousers fell open—no pause.
His trumpet went flat
Like a fart from a cat,
And the encore came straight from his drawers.

A very dull woman called Milly
Played hoopla with George, who was silly.
He made her a dare
And won with a flair,
Catching six of the rings with his willy.

The bells chime every half hour.
The bees know the time of the flower:
While cow bells jingle,
The villagers mingle,
And farmers swill beer in the shower.

Dan Papworth

voiced by Howard Timms

There was an old tramp from Colesbourne
whose shoes had terrible soles, worn
so incredibly thin
That they let the light in
And the uppers also had holes torn.

A crooked young farmer from Blaisdon,
who fed her cows nothing but maize, on
leaving her field,
said; “I’ll improve my yield!”
(It was her neighbour’s corn that they grazed on)

Doug Harris

voiced by MarilynTimms

At Cotswold, we’re ‘differently abled’,
We have friends who are ‘comf’tably stabled’.
And you’re all buddies here
Without any fear
Of not loving the way you are labelled!

Have you seen our mechanical horse?
Its manners are sometimes quite coarse.
It’s sure bucking the trend
And thus chucking a friend
Using lots of its latent g-force!

I promise no joke or baloney;
Would you like to have tea with a pony?!
And we’ll spare the nosebag
If those oats make you gag,
It’s great fun, so you’d best bring a crony …

George Colkitto

voiced by Marilyn Timms

there was a young dad getting colder
while watching his son he got bolder
took risks on the slide
now there’s nowhere to hide
his backside got sliced by the solder

there was a young fellow from London
flew high with such glorious abandon
soared into blue sky
then fell with a sigh
now hasn’t a leg to stand-on

Jack Edwards

voiced by Howard Timms

Proudly wrought in the carving of stone,
Stands a grand man once flesh and bone.
Revered in his life
By each man and his wife,
Now crowned by a bright traffic cone.

Jeff Skinner

voiced by Howard Timms

There was an old man called Trump
who people elected to dump –
made America great
on burgers and hate
a POTUS, a doofus, a sump.

Jill McCarthy

There was a whole species on Earth,
Who never saw anything’s worth.
They destroyed their whole planet,
Now it can’t be fixed, can it?
But at least it prevents them giving birth.

Josephine Pepper

There was a young lady from Diss,
Who was meeting a man called Chris,
She pinned on a flower,
This was Girl Power,
But it shattered before their first kiss!

There was a young lady from Blighty,
Who got caught in the street in her nighty,
The wind blew it high,
And a man passing by,
Said, “Madam, you’re ever so flighty!

There was a young man from Australia,
Who decided to plant a Dahlia,
He dug deep down,
Then wore a frown,
Because it came up as Azalea!

There was a young lady from Beds,
Who had a great interest in sheds,
She painted one white,
Climbed it at night,
And had to go back on her meds!

There was a young man from Dakota,
Who was very proud of his motor,
He was so proud,
He shouted out loud,
And it mattered not one iota!

There was a young lady from Reading,
In the wrong direction, was heading,
She called her Nan,
And to her chagrin,
She found, the wrong map, she was reading!

There was a young lady from Sandy,
Who was meeting a man called Randy,
True to his name,
He played a game,
And she found her Pepper Spray handy

Jules Finn

voiced by Marilyn Timms

There once was a line underground,
Loud as fuck with a rattling sound.
Fresh air there was nought
Though frequently sought,
By passengers, all London bound.

Julie Shackman

voiced by Marilyn Timms

There once was a pirate called Thunder,
Who loved to drink, dance, whoop and plunder,
But his partying daze,
Left him lost in a haze,
And now he’s known simply as Chunder!

Julie Worthington

There once was a pony called Arthur,
Who crunched Annie’s Polos in laughter,
Katrina smiled and she giggled,
Arthur’s tail flapped and wriggled,
Dribbling minty wet kisses, love Arthur.

Mark Totterdell

voiced by Howard Timms

The farts of a fellow from Stroud
Started off quite incredibly loud,
Then evolved to a mass
Of intestinal gas,
An enormous malodorous cloud.

Martin Pryce

voiced by Marilyn Timms

There was a man from Ballymena
Who showered to make himself cleaner.
He said, “I par shar
for half an har”
and I have absolutely no idea what he was talking about.

There once was an old dairy cow
I tried to milk but didn’t know how.
With each squeeze of the udder,
the old cow would shudder
and scream “Owwwwwwwwwwww!”

There once was an old man called Martin
who tried but could never stop fartin’.
His magnificent ass
couldn’t hold in the gas
and his cheeks were constantly partin’.

There once was a lad called Narcissus
who attracted both Misters and Misses.
At the pool, his reflection
misdirected affection
and he died. What a sad story this is.

Icarus: risk assessor too lax.
Took off with his feathers and wax.
Flew too close to the sun,
and his wings came undone.
The sea – from that height – really smacks.

Once a maiden who could sweetly seduce-ya,
cursed with snakes in her hair: it’s Medusa.
But don’t glance her way
or she’ll turn you to clay
unless you have a mirror to use-a.

The King of the Gods, yes it’s Zeus.
How many children can one god produce?!
His genealogy shows
kids wherever he goes –
were his pants tied a little too loose?

Matthew Sumner

voiced by Howard Timms

There was a poet called Rhys
Whose limericks never rhymed
At the most
He only got close
Which he said was by design

Michael Swan

voiced by Marilyn Timms

The bishop of Aix-la-Chapelle
disbelieved in the concept of hell.
He used to get stripped
and go down to the crypt
and play tunes on a tubular bell.

Moray McGowan

Self-appointed “Reformer” called Farage
Talks like there’s a Jag in the garage
His eager minions
Parrot his opinions
But his Shangri-la is a mirage.

Does anyone remember Liz Truss
And her budget’s turmoil and fuss?
Voted in as best plaster
After Johnson’s disaster
Then the old guard threw her under the bus

A bambina from Belmont named Bellina
Had no future as a contract cleaner,
Turned her dream to a scheme
As an internet meme
With more hits than Ballerina Cappucina

A billiards champion from Bucharest
Boasted of a virgin-or-hooker test
But he came badly undone
When a furious nun
Cannoned his balls with a snooker rest.

Nicola Thomas

voiced by Marilyn and Howard Timms

There was an old pony called Mable
Whose flatulence made her unstable
Then one glutinous day
With a mouthful of hay
Propelled herself out of the stable

There once was a greedy young fly
Who saw pastry while flying nearby
It came in to land
Much faster than planned
And went splat as it crashed on the pie

Our planet is starting to tire
Of the wind and the rain and wildfire
We must work with speed
Let go of our greed
Or risk falling too deep in the mire

There was an old spider called Dot
Who had spun herself into a knot
Now completely marooned
Tied up and cocooned
She’s left like her prey just to rot
     
There once was a spooky old ghost
Who haunted a house by the coast
He had lots of fun
When he saw them all run
As he floated from pillar to post

Nicky Goodwin

There once was a famous Jack Russell,
Who liked to defraud, steal and hustle,
He entered the palace
With forethought of malice
And made off with the duchess’s bustle

Nigel Speight

voiced by Howard and Marilyn Timms

King Lear gets mad and then madder.
While others get bad and then badder
But we all can see
that the real tragedy
is: Dads drop off the property ladder.

A boy prince called Magnus the Great
Was always increasingly late.
So as he got Greater,
He also got later,
Till when he was nine, he was eight.

There once were two one-legged Vicars
Who enjoyed sharing one pair of knickers.
Their sexual gymnastics
Would snap the elastics
And set off great cheering at Twickers.

A transvestite policeman called Bert
Tried various methods to flirt.
On weekdays at luncheon
He’d wriggle his truncheon,
But at weekends, she’d wear a split skirt

Nigel Whitmore

voiced by Howard and Timms

An apprentice electrician called Nash
Did something incredibly rash.
Don’t know what he did
To the National Grid
But he burned down his house in a flash!

A daring young fellow called Boon
Went up in a hot air balloon.
He went up so high
That he stood on the sky
And shook hands with the Man in the Moon

Pat Sanson

My hairnet it sits all askew
A pity, because it is new
It falls to the right
What a very sad sight
Perhaps it’s the wrong kind of blue

Pete Concahsmith

voiced by Marilyn Timms

Leon’s digestion was great;
He never consumed breakfast late.
So honed was his power,
Slap-bang on the hour,
Innately at eight, Leon ate.

Fay’s father lived far, far away;
Her Grandad went roaming one day.
Unable to halt,
He made, by default,
A further forefather for Fay.

An estuary gave him a thrill;
He also thought Essex was brill.
He lived in Dunblane,
Though still found his brain,
Assessed Essex estuaries still.

Constringe all the words for a skit.
Amorphous, they barely just fit
To circumstantiate class,
And endeavour to pass
For phantasmagorical wit.

Since Noel took his noble new vow,
The Nobel board started to row.
The whole lot retired,
Some new ones were hired—
No new noble knew Noel now.

Poor Ian, what is he to do?
His flowerpot gnome broke in two.
Plant died without casing,
There’s just no replacing
The Begonia gnome Ian knew.

A brand new job driving the hearse,
The narrow lane made matters worse.
A glance at the rear—
The coffin’s not here!
Let’s see how it goes in reverse.

The size of her boobs quite upset her,
In her quest to become a trendsetter.
The trade-off, she thought,
Was her favourite sport,
As innocuous knockers were better.

Bill’s nanna put food on his plate;
His blood pressure, oh such a state!
To keep it at bay,
She served every day,
Banana by nanna mandate.

The old guard was thinking it through,
Replacement was long overdue,
No sweets left for eating,
With tourists depleting,
No nougat, no new guard, no queue.

Most vampires really are loners,
Depriving the blood from their owners,
Advice, they could glean,
To stay squeaky clean:
Is only bite registered donors.

Norman decided to dine
‘All-you-can-eat-buffet,’ looked fine;
The record was eight,
Refills of your plate,
Inordinate Norman ate nine.

Sue Barnard

voiced by Howard and Marilyn Timms

On the strength of a witches’ conjection
a regicide’s planned to perfection,
but revenge is prepared
by a tree-moving laird
who’d been born by Caesarean section.

A soothsayer (very astute)
tries to warn of impending dispute.
But though told to beware,
Caesar claims not to care,
then he’s killed by a backstabbing Brute.

To avenge an old wrong, not forgotten,
a king plays a joke that is rotten.
For what could be barmier
than fooling Titania
by making an ass of a Bottom?

Sue Gerrard

A girl who was always coughing
At the mouth would soon be frothing
not a good day
to have her say
as she could end up in a coffin.

Susan Oldham

There once was a thug name of Lead
Said he’d knock down a wall with his head
That violent oaf
Did not use his loaf
Now the wall’s up and Lead is brown bread

There once was a chef from Hardgate
Took great pride in serving a plate
Of meat, extra lean
And veg, extra green
Even his cheeseboard was grate

Tracy Davidson

voiced by Marilyn Timms

There once was a zebra called Zena
Who wished for a paddock much greener,
She escaped from the zoo
At a quarter to two
But found that the mean streets were meaner.

The record for belching was beaten
By my dog: a soft-coated wheaten,
Not as foul as his farts –
Which can stop people’s hearts –
And we’ve still not a clue what he’s eaten!

Trudie Wingfield

A man with an unsightly itch
Developed a terrible twitch
When people asked why
He started to cry
And said, ‘Karma is truly a bitch!’

There once was a schoolgirl named Nicola
Who didn’t like Maths in particular
When asked why that was
She said it’s because
Her desires were extra-curricular.     

There was a beautician from Kippax            
Who loved doing back, sack and cracks
But a lesson was learned
As no-one returned
When she over-heated the wax.

A young man who loved to go walking
In social groups, didn’t like talking
But out in the wild
He became Nature’s child
Where he ran around naked and squawking.

Valerie Fish

voiced by Marilyn Timms

‘On little grey cells you rely’
Said Poirot, an intelligent guy
Put to good use
One can deduce
Whodunnit, how where when and why

What should have been a graceful glide
Went awry when the blushing bride
Caught her shoe in a vent
Splat!  down she went
And literally curled up and cried

Although still eighth in line to the throne
Prince Andrew ( as he once was known)
Lost his titles royal
For conduct immoral
That Big Brother could never condone 

A lass I was rather fond a
I took for a ride on my Honda
It was full steam ahead
As together we sped
Off out to the wild blue yonder

Seeing a ghost at the foot of my bed
I wanted to scream but instead
I lay frozen in fear
Till a voice in my ear
Cried  ‘Time to wake up, sleepy head!’

Elizabeth Hofmann

voiced by Marilyn Timms

A shout-out to a teacher called Ellen,
Who taught my kid readin’ ‘n’ spellun.
Her lessons aren’t drear,
They inspire a career,
Which is better than being a felon.

Anthony Powers

voiced by Howard Timms

An author was furnished with proof
But never faced up to the truth
Of dyslexia’s grip
So instead blamed the slip
On misspelt and literal youth.

A matelot hailing from Wales
Seduced some young ladies in gales;
One said though, ‘You’re flagging,
You’re foremast is sagging,’
And took the wind out of his sails.

There was an old lady from Brough
Who claimed an intractable cough,
Then set to with sighing
And said, ‘Though I’m dying
I’m off to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwryndrobwllllantisiliogogogoch.’

Young Dylan was inclined to snub
Those ladies not likely to sub
Him plenty of money,
He said, ‘It’s not funny,
In fact, I’ve got sweet llareggub.’

Stafford Cross

Elliot Ness, the Chicago Crime Buster
Assembled his kids in a cluster.
There’s Cleanli Ness, next to Godli Ness
Sweet Ness and Sour Ness
And that one’s a wee Scottish Monster.

Amundsen, The Polar Explorer
Suffered greatly from Polar Disorder
He set sail for the North
But then he changed courth
And arrived at the South in short order.

TV Schedulers, those National Disgraces.
Swapped around the Grand and Boat Races
Two Boats were grounded
And all Horses drownded
Next year they’ll be back in their places.

There was a young man from Doncaster
Whose lovelife was courting Disaster
He was caught unawares
And tumbled downstairs
And now he’s got both legs in Plaster.

A young student of all things Poetic
Was inclined to pursuits more athletic
His goals on the field
He more than fulfilled
But his poems were short and pathetic.

Of Limericks I’ve written eleven
With Yeast, I’ll now make a leaven
I’ll bake two more
To increase my score.
A Bakers Dozen, for Katie, in Heaven.

I’ve heard there are pigs that Mayfly
And I’m certain I once saw a Horse Fly
I’ve seen Golfing weirdies
Make Eagles and Birdies
But how do they make their Caddies Fly?

I started with every intention
Of achieving poetic perfection
But a Limerick’s so short
That I achieved nought
Not even an honourable mention.

Robin Gilbert

voiced by Marilyn Timms

Carl Philip Emmanuel Bach                   
once went swimming just before dark.
So what did he see? 
Well, he saw the sea…
what he failed to see was the shark. 

Workaholic and tense, Arnold Bax          
had always found it hard to relax.
He consulted the quacks. 
Diagnosis: ear wax. 
Bill: two grand – exclusive of tax.

The case against Ludwig van Beethoven          
was dismissed, the verdict “Not Proven”.
It had been alleged
and plausibly pledged
that Ludwig had hooves that were cloven.

When in Egypt, Heinrich von Biber                 
went to visit the dam at Kariba,
Magnificent, but
it busted his gut –
a nasty Kariba amoeba.

To be dubbed by the Queen, Boccherini
strolled into Buck House in a beanie.
This lèse-majesté
was capped, so they say,
by the faux pas ”your Maj” and then “Queenie”.

One evening, Johannes Brahms                     
drifted off while reading the Psalms.
His subsequent dream –
sheep, grass, a still stream
and Clara, asleep in his arms.

One fine day, Benjamin Britten                      
met a new friend and was smitten.
But his partner P. Pears
had no reason for tears.
For Benjie’s new friend was a kitten.

On Sotheby’s steps, William Byrd,                  
as newshounds hounded, demurred:
“Sirs, I give you my word.
That sale never occurred.
Me? Bid for a turd? It’s absurd!”

Always one for the girls Cherubini          
saw one in a fetching bikini. 
He didn’t need maps
to undo those straps,
let alone any tips from Houdini.

Ever contrary, Claude Debussy                       
really fancied a girl, Goosey Lucy.
He passed over Miranda
and the gorgeous Amanda,
much preferring a gander at Goosey.

Between rehearsals, Edward Elgar          
discussed poets with Norman Del Mar.
Exchanges grew heated
when Elgar repeated
his disdain for “Plath and her Bell Jar”.

At St Peter’s in Rome, Frescobaldi                  
was surprised to meet Peter Capaldi.
“No, not papal unction!
A Tardis malfunction:
it was meant to transport me to Aldi.” 

That dark horse George Frederick Handel
was engulfed in a gutter press scandal.
He had, it was said,
been discovered in bed
with a bishop, his crook and a candle.

Having drunk of his fill, Joseph Haydn             
once dreamt he played darts with Poseidon.
As he swam to the oche,
it morphed into hockey,
then hide-and-seek played with Joe Biden.

That star-struck composer Will Herschel          
held views just a shade controversial.
“Ed. Elgar’s The Planets?
Just love it. Why, man, it’s
quite clearly a Herschel commercial!”

That reprobate genius Liszt                          
 would often play naked when pissed.
Cries of “Oh, spare us, Franz.
At least wear some pants”
met “My arse is here to be kissed.”

Plagued by hundreds of midges, Ravel            
was suffering the torments of hell.
Then a ginormous fart
rent the evening apart,
and the midges all died of the smell.

In Paris, Don Carlos by Verdi                 
went down a storm, but – merde! – he
had not the balls
to take curtain-calls.
Was ever a cat quite so scaredy?

Alice Mary “Fruit addict” Smith
ate whole oranges down to the pith.
That her kith and her kin
devoured even the skin
she dismissed forthwith as a myth.

“Tell me,” asked a student of Mozart
“What is it at heart that denotes art?”
“That’s one for the nerds,
just words about words.
Rather ask what supports and promotes art.”

Madeleine Patston

A fleet of fine crude oil tankers,
Have been forced to delay and drop anchors
‘Cause talks with Iran
Have not gone to plan,
Thoughts and prayers for the brokers and bankers.

On TikTok we follow Pandora
Her beauty is why we adore her,
Her box is just killer
(if you can’t afford filler),
Packed with Glossier, e.l.f. and Sephora.

A green fellow asked Claude a question
But failed to read Claude’s suggestion
Through the puke on the screen,
If he had, he’d have seen,
‘You might have acute indigestion.’

I scrimped and I saved for a ticket 
To watch Germany and Curaçao kick it,
But one grand a night
Plus food and the flight?
I thought ‘fuck it’ and turned on the cricket.

Competition prompt and rules

Prizes: £50 for first, £25 for second, & 3 of £10
All longlisted limericks will be published in Limerick Anthology 2026

Closing date 15 June 2026

Will you be original?

As always, we’re looking for originality in limericks that are deft, daft, cheeky, powerful, and that make us laugh out loud, think, cry, or groan. Hilarious, pseudo-science, raunchy, or tongue-twisters. In short, five lines of fun that demand to be shared with Wildfire Words readers.

One safe way to be original is to choose a word to end the first line that you can’t find used in a limerick before, then create two rhymes for it. After that the writing is relatively easy. The first line end word is also your title, to distinguish your work from other competition entries.

The judge for the competition is Annie Ellis, supported in originality research and selection of prizewinning poems by Marilyn Timms and Howard Timms.

At Wildfire Words we love audio
Limericks, even more than any other poetry, are best shared by speaking and hearing. If possible, submit your entries with audio of you speaking them. But if your limericks are published it will be with audio, whether it’s your voice or one of Wildfire’s team reading for you. The judges will consider all entries equally, whether or not they’re submitted with audio.

All entries presented to the judges are anonymous. Only the text will go to the judges. Details of author, payment, audio are stored separately. Only after judging is complete will poems be matched to their author.

There is no limit to the size of the longlist – most of the entries will be published

Rules for Limerick competition

Opening date: 1 April | Closing date: 15 June 2026

Entries must be paid for on the entry form, and your entry file uploaded, by the closing time of 11.59 pm on 15 June 2026. Payment channels are credit and debit cards or your PayPal account. In case of difficulty, please email info@wildfire-words.com

The contest is open to all writers, except volunteers for Wildfire Words.

All poems must be entirely the entrant’s own, unpublished work.

International entrants are welcome, but entries must be in English. Translations are not allowed, unless the poet has translated their own writing into English.

You may submit as many limericks as you like, in batches of up to 4 limericks. Each poem must have a title which is the last word of the limerick’s first line. An entry fee must be paid for each limerick.

Each batch of 4 can be uploaded into the ‘browse files’ on the entry form as one Word file which is named with the number one limerick’s title. If you do not have Word, you can copy and paste all of your limericks into the entry box at the bottom of the form.

Do not put any identification on the work. We will match your limerick’s title to your email address after the anonymous judging is complete.

Simultaneous submissions are accepted, but an entry must be withdrawn in the event of it winning a prize or publication elsewhere. Entry fees are not refundable once an entry has been received.

Work will not be returned, so please keep a copy.

We are unable to give feedback on individual entries or on the results of the competition — the judges’ decisions are final.

Results will be emailed by July 1 to all who entered, and published on this website and social media. The entry fee is £3 per limerick, or £9 for 4. Entry fees are not refundable once an entry has been received.