Total raised
for CRUK
to date:
£292
Anthology of jokes
from our light-hearted competition
All entry fees go to Cancer Research UK
Jokes short enough for a cracker
Poetry book prizes for up to 10 winners
Click here for the intro & prompt for this topic,
Prizes for Funniest, Groaniest, Silliest, Most amazing, Most subtle, Most profound.
Lead Sponsor and Lead Judge, Annie Ellis
Alphabetical list of joke authors:
Each joker’s name is linked to their joke text and audio.
Alison Nuorto, Annie Ellis, Chris Hemingway, Elaine Langford, Edward Alport
, Geoff March, Heather Cook, Helen Kay, Jennie Gardner, Jo Hillman, Julie Shackman, Larry Winger, Nigel Hastilow, Rosie Arcane, Sharron Green, Sim Smailes, Simon Tindale, Stafford Cross, Walter Carter, Tracy Davidson
indicates one audio. * indicates an author who prefers no audio
Annie Ellis
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Findme
Findme who?
Find me a good joke to go in a cracker.
Stafford Cross
1 What did the recovering drug addict get for Christmas?
Cold Turkey.
2 What did the foot fetishest give his girlfriend for Christmas?
A Kiss under the Middle-Toe.
3 What do you get if you cross the M4 with Albert Einstein?
A Smart Motorway.
4 What do you get if you cross a Donkey with a Double Glazing Salesman?
A Pane in the Ass.
5 What do the staff at a Nuclear Power Station have for their Xmas Dinner?
Fission Chips.
6 Philip Pirrip (Pip), David Copperfield and Nicholas Nickelby were having a contest to see who could spit furthest.
Who won the contest?
Pip had the Greatest Expectorations.
7 What’s the difference between a Butler and a Cook?
The Cook stuffs the Goose and roasts it.
The Butler gooses the Cook and stuffs her.
8 What can exist, though it be not made?
Though desirous to be made,
Once made it will be no more.
For its head will be lost in the making — A Maiden.
9 Who wishes that his colleagues would all break a leg, and prays that he won’t have a Turkey for Christmas?
The producer of a Pantomime.
10 What do you get if Santa goes to the Gym?
A Christmas Sweater!
11 How do farmers produce Vegan Turkeys?
They feed them on nothing but Organic Vegetables and Tofu!
How do they taste?
With their tongues!
12 Casanova pulled a Christmas Cracker at the Party.
Tracy Davidson
1 What’s the difference between Donald Trump and a Brussels sprout?
One is a much loathed, smelly, and unwelcome presence at the dinner table.
The other is a small, green, leafy vegetable!
2 What is the least appealing, and most bitter, fragrance to give as a Christmas present?
Essence of Elon Musk!
3 In what new Joss Whedon show does Father Christmas get arrested for drunk flying?
Santa the Reindeer Sleigh-er!
Alison Nuorto
1 Why did Santa’s helper not want to share his Christmas presents?
Because he was very elfish.
2 Why did Scientists take so long to discover the shy gene?
Because it was hiding behind the other genes.
3 How does a witch know when she needs a new broomstick? She flies off the handle.
Chris Hemingway
1 What’s the difference between a dog and a Christmas Tree?
A dog doesn’t drop its needles (unless it’s really bad at sewing).
2 What’s blue and lives in the sky?
A flying chameleon.
3 Why did my car cross the road?
Because I can’t steer very well.
Elaine Langford
1 How did Mary and Joseph get through the stable door?
With a don-key.
2 How do the Christmas veg pose for a selfie?
With a Brussel’s Pout.
3 How many elves help Santa’s to change a light bulb?
Two.
One to hand him the bulb and the other to Ho, Ho, Hold the ladder.
4 What Christmas panto makes the loudest noise?
All-a-din
Geoff March
1 Why did the Christmas boxing match take place in a stable?
To have a weigh-in at a manger.
2 Why did the angel give a story book to the baby Jesus?
Because it was the first nov-el.
3 Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think I’ve fractured my funny bone.
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Patient: Only when I laugh.
4 I went to have my hair cut in December. The barber lives on his own so I invited him round for Christmas dinner.
I said we’d be having turkey and he offered to bring all the trimmings.
5 A friend once had a job delivering Christmas table decorations.
He used to drive people crackers.
Heather Cook
1 What did the baker say to the butcher and the candlestick maker when they were complaining about being rushed off their feet at Christmastime?
It’s a piece of cake!
2 What did Rudolph say to Father Christmas about the bad weather on Christmas Eve?
Don’t worry – it’s only rain, dear!
Helen Kay
1 What is Santa’s fave ghost story, ho, ho, ho?
The Mysteries of Rudolpho!
2 What do you hang on a poet tree?
Can-do canes and sylla- bells
Sim Smailes
1 What is orange, fizzy and comes down chimneys at Christmas?
Fanta Claus.
2 What do Belarusians eat at Christmas?
Minsk pies.
3 What do you get if you cross a snowman with a chocolate bar?
A snow-Flake.
4 What royal fruit is served on Christmas Day?
The King’s peach.
5 Why can’t Santa ever be the president of Turkey?
Because Turkey won’t vote for Christmas.
Rosie Arcane
1 A keyboard walks into a pub.
The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t allow your type here.”
2 A colander walks into a bar, the barman says “You look tired.”
The colander replies, “Yeah, I’m drained”.
3 ”Sorry, I must go,” says the iron, “I have a pressing matter to attend to.”
“Don’t worry about it,” replies the ironing board, “I know the feeling.”
Nigel Hastilow
1 How do you make a clock really angry?
Wind it up.
2 Why did the clock go to a psychiatrist?
To find out what made it tick.
3 What’s the difference between a clock and Donald Trump?
The clock’s only got one little hand.
4 What do you call a clever horologist?
Clockwise.
5 What do you call a dissident horologist?
Anti clockwise.
Larry Winger
1 What spices did Mary use in her highly flavoured gravy?
Frankincense and myrrh, obviously.
2 When might Joseph have crooned ‘Baby it’s cold outside’ ?
About nine months before he and Mary stood outside the stable.
3 Who invented foot warmers?
Good King Wenceslas: ‘heat was in the very sod, which the saint had printed’
4 How does Santa Claus get his suit pressed?
He borrows an iron in the bleak midwinter.
Julie Shackman
1 What is a pirate’s favourite letter of the alphabet?
Aaaargh!
Jo Hillman
1 There once was a Santa that flew,
over rooftops old and new,
but the sleigh, it got wedged
in a huge prickly hedge
and he now sports a ‘holly’ tattoo!
2 Why is Father Christmas’ job
not as hard as the Easter Bunny’s?
‘Cause he leaves his gifts where we can all see
and the Bunny must hide all of his!
3 What do you get if you cross a candle
with Rudolph’s bright red nose?
A light that shines so brightly,
you would even say it glows!
4 What do you get if you cross a stocking
with Rudolph’s bright red nose?
A sock that smells so badly,
you would even say it glows!
5 Ma wrapped the presents,
Ma put up the tree
Ma stuffed the turkey
for family and me
Ma sent the Christmas cards,
Ma helped rehearse,
Ma filled the stockings,
Wish she’d taken them off first!
6 The Holly and the Ivy when cushioning a fall,
Leave prickles in your tender bum and a rash that leaves you sore!
And the rising of the screams, and the running of the tears,
Aren’t helped at all by organ sounds, that’s the ringing in your ears!
7 Weight-watchers’ Christmas (sung to Away in a Manger)
8 A weigh-in, for a watcher,
no liquor or bread
the pickles, board cheeses
laid on this weekend!
The apple tarts flowing
the Baileys and cakes
but weak will would seize us!
No lying, scales break!
Edward Alport
1 Different dogs
Dogs come in all sizes,
And all intelligences.
Clever ones win prizes.
The others bark at fences.
Splotchy ones chase foxes
Snowy ones chase cars.
Boxers live in boxes
Hound-dogs live in bars
Walter Carter
1 Two Peanuts Walking Down The Road
And One Was Assaulted!
(a salted)
Jennie Gardner
1 How do you greet a woman who loves cleaning?
Hi Jean.
2 What’s at the top of a lonely persons shopping list?
Dates.
3 What’s a Dalmatian’s favourite App?
Spotify.
Sharron Green
1 What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinselitis.
2 What do you call two rows of cabbages?
A dual cabbage way.
3 What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
4 Why is it difficult to keep a secret at the North Pole?
Because your teeth tend to chatter.
5 How can you tell how heavy a whale is?
Take it to a whale weigh station.
Simon Tindale
1 Phil the binman is known as ‘Phil the bin’
Phil the plasterer is ‘Phil the hole’
Phil the window cleaner is ‘Phil the bucket’
Phil the goalkeeper has signed for Liverpool.
The creative prompt
for our light-hearted competition in December 2023
As 2024 approaches, memories of festivals such as Diwali, Hannukah, Christmas, St Stephen’s Day, and Hogmanay start to fade. Let’s celebrate their sociability, and good humour at New Year — an annual event shared all round the world.
A peculiarly British tradition at this time of year is sharing crackers, each a paper tube ripped open jointly by two people, sounding a bang or crack. That releases contents such as paper hats, a small object — often a toy — and small slip of paper. On the paper is a joke. Most of the jokes cause laughter, though some lead to ironic groans as a traditional light hearted reaction to a familiar or cheesy joke.
We’re seeking jokes that would be good (or bad) enough to go into a cracker. They can be poetry or prose, but must be no more than 60 words. Each joke should be accompanied by an entry fee of £2 in aid of a charity supported by all in the Wildfire Words team.
All entry fees will go 100% to Cancer Research UK (none of it to Wildfire Words or for prizes). Details of the total amount raised will be emailed to every participant.
Prizes will be awarded for Funniest, Groaniest, Silliest, Most amazing, Most subtle, Most profound.
There will be book prizes and oodles of glory for winners. Every funny joke or worthy “groaner” published in the Crack a Joke Anthology will be published as text and audio with its author’s name.
Our lead sponsor for Wildfire Words, Annie Ellis, will judge the competition. Annie has generously set the donation ball rolling, the joke crackers cracking, with a donation of £100. We would love to double, treble, or even quadruple, that amount in support of Cancer UK. Will YOUR joke be published. Will it then be crowned as Annie’s favourite rib-tickler or groan extractor? On the final decisions of book prizewinners, Annie will consult with associate judge Marilyn Timms.
For this contest there’s less emphasis on originality (hard to check on Cracker Jokes). Most important is something to laugh about, preferably with a surprise. As always, we expect respect for all people — regardless of ethnicity, beliefs, lifestyle.
Publishing audio alongside text is an exclusive part of Wildfire Words mission to share poetry and flash fiction with the world. We aim to have audio with every joke and to record or play all of the anthology jokes in a Zoom event on 13 January 2024. On that occasion, we hope to share dozens or even hundreds of jokes.
If your jokes are chosen by the judges, and you wish to read them for audio, you will need to send email audio to us beforehand. The simplest way is to submit audio of your jokes with your entry. If you wish, you can simply send your entries as audio, and we will provide the text if it is chosen for publication.
For all other jokes, a small group of volunteers will read jokes, to save the time taken swapping from one reader to another.
Marilyn and Howard Timms
wildfire-words.com 