KEP Anthology

Alphabetical list of anthology poets

This lists all the leading poets who wished to have their successful competition poems published in the anthology. Each is linked to their poems and audio

Bairbre Meade, Betsy Wrench, Chris Beaumont, Christine Griffin, Christopher Cuninghame, Gail Webb, Geoff March, Glenis Moore, Helen Kay, Ian Parker-Dodd, Ivor Frankell, Jane Spray, Joe Williams, Judith van Dijkhuizen, Kate Copeland, Larry Winger, Peter McDade, Robert Rayner, Robin Gilbert, Stafford Cross, Stewart Francis, Tracy Davidson, Valerie Fish, Wendy Webb

indicates one audio of a poem.  

Wendy Webb

Planning

What is wrong with good crime in the planning,
simplicity itself (the unmanning).
If you want to get caught,
don’t give it much thought.
Each sleuth knows that DNA’s damning.

Valerie Fish

Way

When those carnal thoughts come my way
They’re the devil to keep at bay
I know I must
Not yield to lust  
Just have a cold shower and pray.

Tracy Davidson

Dalrymple

Audio read by Marilyn Timms

A naughty young nun from Dalrymple
Could seduce any priest with her dimple  
Till Mother Superior  
Saw off her posterior  
For the way that she wielded her wimple!

Stewart Francis

Flop

This limerick may be a flop,
But at least it will come to a stop,
As soon as I can
Think of something to scan
And to rhyme with the line at the top.

Joe Williams
(Third prize winner)

Electricity

When thinking about electricity,
there’s no room for non-specificity.
Connect the wrong wire,
and BOOM! Things are dire.
My advice is to give it a missity.

Paul

There once was an octopus, Paul,
with a gift for predicting football.
He said Real Madrid
would beat Nice, and they did,
then he died, and I miss him. That’s all.

Space

A man who was travelling in space
encountered an alien race.
He was less than amused
by the probe that they used,
so he never went back to that place.

Hilda (Third prize)

There once was a woman named Hilda
who had an affair with a builder.
He was good with his hands,
as the calling demands,
but his toolbox was what really thrilled her.

Robert Rayner

Adverbial

Audio read by Marilyn Timms

Year six is taught the fronted adverbial,
Ofsted’s repute is quite the proverbial.
The kids a footnote
To learning by rote.
But at least they can all spell suburbial.

Sure

Audio read by Marilyn Timms

I’m a poet, a poet I’m sure,
But my rhymes are notoriously poor.
My prose is much worse
Than this doggerel verse.
I warned you this wouldn’t end well.

Peter McDade

Vera

There once was a drainpipe called Vera
Who hailed from a happier era.
As they flowed from the gutter
The raindrops would utter:
‘No-one but no-one comes near her!’

Larry Winger

de Pfeffel

The less honourable member de Pfeffel’s
now disgraced in a shocking kerf[e]ffle.
Though he lied to the House
as he’d lied to his spouse
at least his hair’s mussed and dishe[ff]led.

Felicity

One day a young lass called Felicity
embarked on a course in duplicity.
Over and over she tried —
in the end she just cried
‘I simply can’t lie with exquisity’

Geoff March
(Third prize winner)

Giorgione

Said Renaissance artist Giorgione
on seeing a My Little Pony
‘It’s sublime! It’s fantastic!
It’s made out of… plastic!
My own work’s a load of baloney!’

Entry

In the rush for a limerick late entry
my mind became… sedimentary.
But among the fossils and bones
were the words of S Holmes:
Dear Watson, it’s just… elementary.

Rehearsed

The butchers rehearsed and rehearsed
for the cup – but what would come first?
Some Mowbray pork pies
carried off the first prize,
with the Frankfurters voted worst Wurst.

Song (Third prize)

Vaughan Williams was partial to song.
When I asked if he recalled the Somme
he said ‘No, sad to tell,
but it does ring a bell –
you hum it and I’ll play along.’

Kate Copeland

Karma

Audio by Howard Timms

Cora counted wholly on karma
so shouted a real-loud alarma
when Cain hit his cow
right here in the now
without any worry or dharma

Judith van Dijkhuizen

Ages

A girl from the Classical Ages
was shocked that we didn’t have sages.
She travelled right back
and filled a huge sack
with wise men, which she brought us in stages.

Jane Spray

Michael

A stubborn old man named Michael
Would never, anything, recycle.
When he up and died
His wife cried and cried
Then into her compost tossed Michael.

Sutra

Hui Neng overheard a deep Sutra
That says there’s no past present future.
Since there’s not a thing
There’s nothing to cling –
Put that in your pipe, Shariputra!

Robin Gilbert
Second prize winner

Akhmatova

Fleeing Stalin, Anna Akhmatova
Rejoiced that her troubles seemed over,
     When the heavy from OGPU
     Slipped in some dog poo
And missed her as she boarded for Dover.

Alnwick

An anteater named Andy from Alnwick
Insisted his ants be orgalnwick.
        But his “meat-and-two-veg”
        Came from fertilized eggs,
Which made him quite malnwick with palnwick.

Betjeman

Said a sceptical reader to Betjeman
“Come on, I simply don’t getcha, man.
        All this tennis and gym
        and girls limber of limb.
It seems that you’re simply a lecher, man.”

Brighton

A bushbaby named Bobby from Brighton
Was pathetically easy to frighten.
         At bedtime, his story
         Could never be gory –
For Blyton he needed the light on.

Caerphilly

An upper-crust cow from Caerphilly
Said  “Me?  Produce milk?  Don’t be silly!
     You want it for cheese?
     For Caerphilly?  Oh, please!
The pater won’t stand for it, will ‘e?”

Cowper

Poetic dark horse William Cowper
Was certainly no party-powper.
     He’d first hit the bottle,
    Then dance at full throttle
Till he sank to the floor in a stowper.

Hughes

Office jargon was not for Ted Hughes,
serving only to scare and confuse.
          “What if that thought fox
           should think out of the box
and push an envelope over my muse?”

Neagh

Said a thief of a jeagh from Lough Neagh
“I care nothing for what people seagh.
         Where I bury my loot,
         Young oak trees will shoot –
Who says then that crime doesn’t peagh?”

Petrarch

Writing a sonnet for Petrarch
Was simply a stroll in the park,
      but finding a volte
      in Kit’s Jew of Malta
proved much tougher than hunting the Snark.

Rossetti

The gentle Christina Rossetti
went ape with a silver machete.
       Her bro Dante G.
       soon seemed to be
as much bolognese as spaghetti.

Vancouver

A vixen called Vi from Vancouver
Came up with a cunning manoeuvre.
       She longed for a life
       Beyond that of earth-wife,
So she traded her brush for a Hoover.

Olney (second prize)

There was an old person of Olney
Who olned what he claimed was a polney,
 But in fact ’twas a clolne
 Of some creature unknolne
And his claim, like himself, simply pholney.

Ivor Frankell

Limerick

The art of writing a limerick
Lies in employing a gimmerick
When writing your verse
Be it clunky or worse
Just follow your personal whimerick.

Rhinoceros

There once was a horny rhinoceros
Who was excessively amorous
He charged up to his mate
But realised too late
His passion was purely preposterous

Ian Parker-Dodd

Yeats

There was a young fella called Yeats
who dreamed up the Irish Free State
He wrote reams and reams
till it stepped on his dreams
and terrible beauty pushed up his heart rate.

Helen Kay

Clowne

Audio by Howard Timms

There was a young lady from Clowne
Who went for a night on the town
She had so much champagne
she caught the wrong train
and now she is in County Down

Crewe

There was a young lady from Crewe
who decided she’d love a tattoo.
She wanted God judge me,
the guy inked good fudge me
and now she is sweet on him too.

Leigh

A feisty young muggle from Leigh
was looking for platform three.
She was led by some porters
to nine and three quarters
now she’s learning alchemy. 

Glenis Moore

There was an old poet from Norwich
who snacked late at night on hot porridge.
She found that this ruse
so nurtured her muse
that rhymes were much simpler to forage.

Gail Webb

Desperado

Audio by Marilyn Timms

I love tacos, chilli, desperado,
sweet potatoes, sour cream, avocado.
It makes me think of deserts,
towns asleep on the outskirts.
One gulp and I am full of bravado.

Bairbre Meade
Third prize winner

Head

I’m trying to sort out my head
I know if I don’t I’ll be dead
The task is olympic
To not be bulimic
I’d quite like to love me instead.

Tormented (third prize)

Vincent’s mind was truly tormented
The colours he saw were augmented
He loved fiercely, it’s true
Though his anger cut through
His art was unprecedented

Christopher Cuninghame

Blue

A limerick we’re told’s often blue
So this, you’d think, would be too:
She grasped down, with a wink,
Hoping for something quite pink:
But what hyacinths will do, they do.

Christine Griffin

Fair

Young Has said to Chas ‘it ain’t fair
that big brother Will is the heir.
But I’ll get my own back
just watch for the flack
cos I plan to tell all writing Spare’

Chris Beaumont

Cheltenham

There was a young lady of Cheltenham
Who wore her hot pants with no belt in ’em.
When asked why it was
She said, ‘It’s because
If I wear them too tight I might melt in ’em!’

Cheshire

A teetotal lady from Cheshire
One evening was put under pressure
To drink a large gin
But she said ’twas a sin
And a good cup of tea would refresh her.

Gloucester

There was an old bishop of Gloucester
By the toll road was riding to Frocester.
The toll it was steep
But, for churchmen, quite cheap.
Two Hail Mary’s and one Pater Noster.

Betsy Wrench

Shoe

A sea-swim, my rings in my shoe,
Are triggers for thinking of you.
Your shoe and your ring
Still buried, yet spring
to my mind like memories new.

Trees

The wind sifts the air through the trees
A fly hovers over my knees
My back on the grass
I watch the clouds pass
while birds fly.  There comes a new peace.

Stafford Cross
First prize winner

Virgin

At contests I once was a virgin,
To write limericks, I needed no urgin’
I wrote words so seminal
With meanings subliminal
That the rhymes they were very soon surgin’

Llandudno

A poet from far-off Llandudno
Used words that nobody would know
But his poems precocious
Just sounded atrocious
That’s why he’s considered a dud now.

Lisa

I once met a moaner called Lisa
There was nought I could do that would please her,
Her lips were quite supple
But her smile was so subtle
I didn’t know whether to kiss her.

Taught us

A turtle named Terry once taught us
The difference ‘twixt him and a tortoise
One of them likes women
The other likes swimming
And he is the one who likes waters.

Gang

Astrophysicists once formed a gang
Steady-state, was the chorus they sang
Until Edwin Hubble
Poked holes in their bubble.
It exploded with such a big bang

Duck-a-ling

There once was an ugly young duck-a-ling
Kissed a prince the son of a king-a-ling
But the prince, dirty dog
Turned into a frog
And now a young tadpole she’s suckling.

Ben Doe

A prudish young poet named Ben Doe
Wrote limericks with no innuendo,
The soul of the genre
Ne’er tainted his armour
And he had no climax at the end oh

Gwen Doe

But his sister, the lovely young Gwen Doe
To prudishness did not pretend oh!
The spunk of the genre
Penetrated her armour
And she came, with a crashing crescendo.

Diversity

Proponents of gender diversity
Have long suffered unjust adversity
But an Oxford debate
Didn’t set matters straight
So now they attend university.

Luck

An actress down on her luck
Served coffee, to earn a quick buck
A casting director
Tried hard to select her
He failed. She did not give a fuck.

Creeped out

A swear word silently creeped out,
Another more blatantly peeped out
The third was so proud
It shouted out loud,
And the whole god-darned poem was bleeped out.

Pelagic (First prize)

In the seas, there are turtles, pelagic
Their tale it is ancient, but tragic
They ingested elastic,
And bags made of plastic,
And the seas, like my rhymes, lost their magic.